Prozac Milkshake

Evil....with sprinkles...

2012-02-15T14:31:00.002-08:00

   As a completely normal and natural reaction to the insanity that IS my children today...I have decided that at some point in the very near future I may need to get besotted. Proper besotted.

   If they would go crazy one at time...I could hang. Two at a time even...I think I could deal. But all three at once? My fantasies of escaping to an untouched island with Jesse and living off the land, drinking from coconut shells and running around half nekkid have now been replaced with leaving to get groceries and simply never returning. Right now it sounds delightful.

   Right now I have to keep the broader picture in mind. I quit work in the maddening world of music because it was stealing precious time away from my children. I did this for them. Because I love them. Because they need me.

But tonight...as I prepare to jump in the car YET again to speed my children off to yet ANOTHER "thing"...and its church, so i can't really complain...I am reminded of what my middle daughter said of herself and her siblings years ago. "Mommy, if we were an ice cream flavor it would be Evil. With sprinkles."

   They all are. Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

Making an ass of myself in Bible study...good times.

2012-02-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

   I have this friend. Ok...she's really just more of an acquaintance I met through a friend of a friend. She is a very intelligent, funny, sometimes over-bearing kind of woman. But she's cool...until today...until she went and pissed me off. Now I have to pin her to my blog wall and throw darts at her. But its all in good fun. I am actually really interested in what others think about this issue that she thinks I have...along with about 20 million other woman.

   I have a habit...one I do not consider bad in any way, shape or form. I actually think I am being both respectful of my myself and of the people that happen to encounter me during the course of my day. I always...ALWAYS...have my hair styled and make-up on before I step out in public. Now I'm not talking full on run way make-up here. I mean I cover any trouble spots, apply some blush, a little lipstick and my beloved mascara. My hair? Well...its naturally curly, so it does whatever the hell it wants to do. But its big and red and I love it...so I flaunt it.

   Over coffee and Bible study, my friend suggested that women who go out of their way to make sure they are always "pretty" have priorities that are misaligned. I'm sorry...what? She insinuated that a woman who spends time doing girly stuff is taking time away from prayer, her husband, her children or community. You MUST be freakin kidding me...right? Please say yes lady. Please tell me you're not serious. I nearly spat my coffee out. I was momentarily speechless! Surely you aren't saying that just because make-up and high heels bring me a joy that apparently Birkenstocks and granola bring to you...that you are somehow better and closer to God than me?

   Allow me, if you will, to give you a mental picture of this lady. Think Jamie Lee Curtis + Gloria Steinem + Mother Mary. She's tall, lanky, very outspoken and super duper religious. The woman leads a very spirit filled and knowledgeable Bible study...but she's an odd bird. Not a stitch of make-up...and she only shaves if she has to wear stockings. She has been married to the same man for 30 years and they seem very happy with their four children. But COME ON!!!!! Of course, I interjected respectfully and said something akin to the following. I have to paraphrase myself simply because when I get on a roll...what my husband lovingly calls going-all-julia-sugarbaker-on-someone....I don't always have complete recall as I can sometimes leave my body:)

   "I sincerely hope you are not implying that a woman should not embrace her femininity. I very much hope that you aren't saying that a woman should not try to look her absolute best for her husband. Because I gotta tell ya...thats why I do "all this". For Jesse. We are a reflection of one another. If he steps out looking like a some hillbilly freak of nature...that says something. If I step out looking I got dressed at the dump...that says something. And listen up...that "something" isn't good. Because the message isn't for anyone else...it speaks directly to US. He looks nice as often as possible because he loves me and wants me to continue to be attracted to the man I promised my life to. And I make the efforts physically for him because...
#1: I am his wife. His WOMAN. And I want him to be proud of that all of the time.
#2: Emotional and physical affairs are spreading like..well, something that spreads really easily. butter, cream cheese? i digress...I will not allow any other woman an "in" with my man. Every woman that encounters me sees that I take care of myself and that I TRY. I put forth an effort because I want my husband to know...and all other would-be-pursuers of my man...that he is spoken for. Spoken loudly for.
#3: Letting myself go is simply not an option. I want to stay looking and feeling young for as long as I can. Not only for my marriage, but for our children. I want my girls to see that taking pride in how one looks is not a bad thing. We aren't to get bogged down in the minutia of it. But we take care of our temples because doing so shows we are appreciative of what God gave to us.
#4: I want my husband to WANT me. In every single possible way. I don't want his attention diverted. When he sees a beautiful woman, I want him to compare her to me. Not the other way around. I want him to desire me. And if a little make-up and hair gel can do that...coupled with exercise...then that is a mighty small price to pay for knowing my husband looks at me with both love AND desire. As God intended.
#5: I like how I look. I like to look pretty. I like to smell good. I like how my legs look in stilettos. I like how my lips are big and red. How like how my hair is big and red. I like me. And maybe...if you made more of an effort...you would like you a lot more too."

   She was neither amused nor in agreement with my Oscar winning diatribe. But whatever. I stand very firm...and tall in my heels...on my point. As wives of husbands who are faced with prolific porn on a daily basis, we have to do something. I am in no way taking responsibility away from the men. If they stray and do something monumentally stupid...they deserve to be flogged. But we cannot forget that our men are visual creatures. They need to like what they see. And if they are looking at the same face, legs and butt for the rest of their lives...as loving wives the least we can do is make sure we are giving them something good to stare at.

                          I don't think I will be invited back to this Bible study.....

A DAY OF DAYS!!!!

2012-02-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

I received an email from an old studio pal this morning. It seems he had heard through the proverbial grapevine of my plans to simplify my life with less technology and was concerned for my mental well being. How very sweet of him. He is British so I will quote him for you...." I am worried for you love. Do you find yourself permanently besotted? Are you proper wanked?" This is his way of being highly concerned that I have completely lost my mind. (i had to look up besotted. it means very drunk. i will have to use this word as often as possible now. i heart it:)

I assured him that no...I am absolutely proper fine. I will work as I see fit and as the project strikes my proper fancy. (i also love to throw out proper...as you can see) I then explained that today marked a DAY OF DAYS in the life MOI!!!! Today I am going to see one of the bands that I have always wanted to see. A band that when people first meet me, learn of my personality, my faith, and every other aspect of my life....become quite surprised that I am such a die hard fan of. Ladies and gentlemen of la blog......I give you....TOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I Mean seriously....I may actually have a small stroke from the excitement. Or at the very least...a giggle fit. Any fears my friend may have had regarding my new found life of simplicity were laid to rest the second I outlined my plan of attack for the evening. Which will go a lil' something like this...

Maynard James Keenan...the lead singer of Tool...has no doubt picked up on the psychic vibrations of my impending arrival. He's ready, I'm sure of it. He shall call to me from my seat on high and invite me on stage to sing my favorite song, 46 and 2. I will harmonize with stunning perfection. We will banter in between guitar and drum solos about any number of political and social issues. And of course we will bond over our mutual love of all things Oneology. After which he will realize he cannot live without my company and he will invite me and my family to come live with him and his family and we will all live and make music happily ever after.

My friend didn't bother emailing me. He called me to say he loved me and that I had redeemed myself marvelously. Actually he said "maaaaahhhhveloooosleee" He then cautioned me to remember that I was a married woman and to "keep me dainties to meself"

Always sound advice:) TOOL!!!!!

Today sucks...but its STILL a good day:)

2012-02-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

Yeah...I got nothin' today. But if I actually had that prozac milkshake, I would chase it with some Mad Dog and some of those clove cigs we used to smoke in high school. Its been a day and its not even noon.

I have a friend who is ALWAYS up at 5am ready to face the world with her hair in a perfect "do", make up just "so", posting all over every social networking site about how wonderful every aspect of her life is. And I want to kill her slowly on days like this. Today has sucked so far. My kids have sucked today so far. My house is a fricken mess. My dog has yet to puke...but she has rolled in either her own crap or some other dog's crap. So she stinks like you cannot imagine. My husband is home...so for that I am indescribably happy. However...he had to go downtown for a conference where there are scads of gorgeous career women prancing around in their gorgeous career stilettos. Trollops.

I do have a point my friends. And it is this: It is perfectly acceptable to have a day where everything isn't just fine and dandy. As wives, mothers and all around wonderful women...it is OK to admit PUBLICLY that our day isn't running smoothly or that....GASP!!!...we aren't feeling sticky sweet!

All too often I see my friends make excuses and apologize ad naseum for not being on top of their game. It happens. Its called life. Its not always pretty. It doesn't always smell good. Sometimes all three females PMS at the same time. Sometimes the dog rolls in crap.

So I will do three things today...watch Steel Magnolias...(because I anticipate needing a good cry)...drink some wine...(because i always toast M'Lynn's graveside speech)...and wash my dog...(because she truly smells like shit)

Because after all...not so awesome days are still very authentic:)

2012-02-03T07:51:00.000-08:00

Mom of the year? Notsomuch.

As I ponder how I am trying to simplify my life...and as a result, hopefully do the same within the lives of my family...I realize I actually began this journey last year! While I still work occasionally in the studio and take the odd vocal coaching job, I left the really time sucking portion of my music career in the dust months ago. Thus preparing myself...and the rest of my brood...for my simplicity atom bomb. I gave up my artist management firm. The music business is not nearly as glamorous as one would think. Everyone remarks how awesome and amazing and fabulous it must be! And at times...yes. Yes it was. But the amount of time I spent away from home, dealing with artists, booking gigs, speaking to venues or running PR marathons....caused my family to seriously consider looking on Craigslist for a new wife and mom. I was A.B.S.E.N.T. Even when I was home...I really wasn't. So, I let it go. And I immediately rejoiced in my decision. As did my husband and our kiddos. They had ME back! In light of that...you would think I would have a divine and glowing perspective of how to be a better parent. Yeah...not really. I still fubar things up so badly that if I could pay someone to make me the Neuralizer from Men in Black and use it on my family...I SO would.

Someone should have taken my mommy card from me this morning and beat me with it. My son...Jax...is 9. He is quite possibly the most incredibly bodacious and audacious boy ever born. Ever. He is beyond amazing....and more like me than I care to admit. Jax has a boppy. Now boppy is a blanket that I had growing up. Its not quite as old as dirt...but it could qualify as a historical artifact. He LOVES this blanket. Actually, Jax loves 3 things in life more than all others...Daddy, Boppy and Georgia (our chocolate lab). Now I would never in a million years use dad or the dog as collateral in our do-as-i-say wars. But boppy...that's a whole other thing.

This morning as we were rushing to get ready for school, I asked him to do two things. One: brush teeth. Two: get dressed. I made this request as I was also trying to get myself ready to walk out the door and speed three kids to three different schools on opposite sides of the county. Rushed? Stressed? Naaaaahhh.

As his sisters and I were ready to book it, what was my dear sweet blessing of a son doing? Watching Karate Kid with dirty breakfast teeth in chocolate milk stained pj's. I. Lost. My. Mind. I grabbed boppy and essentially yelled how I would be holding him (i say "him" because boppy is a living breathing thing in our home) hostage until he did precisely as he had been asked. When he argued, I took boppy away and said how he would be lucky if boppy was still around when he got home from school. He was equal parts devastated and ready to smother me with his butt. But...he did as he was told. He didn't speak to me for the entire car ride to school. But he did as he was told.

I had plans to have my car detailed, take a bubble bath and attempt to ascend Mt. Laundry today. Alas...instead I shall be baking his favorite cookies, washing boppy by hand and preparing an appropriate apology sure to melt the icey heart of my handsome little man.

Crazy-over-reactive-mom: 1. Simplicity: 0.

2012-02-02T07:39:00.000-08:00

Simplifying My Life. and other small miracles......

So this week marks the beginning of me TRYING to take all of my pictures, notes and other things of importance off of FB and onto my computer. It is just shy of 10am and I am already on my 4th cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee...I bought the big obnoxious box of it this morning. As I look at the 100 tons of virtual stuff I have to do...SOMETHING...with...I am reminded of why I am doing this. My soul...the very core of me...is screaming for simplicity. Even saying that word makes me feel more centered....SIMPLICITY...sounds wonderful huh? I'm diggin' this y'all.

A friend of mine recently wrote about my quest for a more simple life in the AJC. Theresa Walsh Giarrusso....check her Momania blog out http://blogs.ajc.com/momania/2012/01/31/will-you-leave-facebook-because-of-the-new-timeline/...good stuff. Even she is a little stumped, I think, as to my yearning for this kind of change. And while I don't want to jump in my Delorean and scoot back to 1988...I do crave a time when everything wasn't so...available.

We don't have to work for anything anymore.Where's the adventure in life? Shopping used to be fun! You knew what you wanted, but it was a treasure hunt of sorts to find it. Now we just go to a website and order it. Phone calls used to be something we looked forward to. Remember stretching the phone cord until it nearly snaps, pulling it into the bathroom, talking in hushed tones, desperate to say what you needed to say because of the very real fear of mom or dad grabbing the other line and announcing time was up? Getting up to PHYSICALLY change the channel or volume....making mixed tapes! Ok...so maybe I do want the 80's back. But is that such a horrible thing? I want that authenticity back.....the kind of authentic life that just kind of happened naturally. I understand that times change and technology evolves and people either make the leap or get left behind. I get it. I really do. But while the world is busy becoming more automated and autonomous...what are WE doing? We are losing our sense of wonder. Our sense of amazement at everyday life is becoming diluted and almost an after thought....we are only reminded to reflect on the miracle of a moment because our iphones and ipads hold the memory. But our MEMORY should hold that memory. Our hearts should be engaged and present.

Perhaps that is the crux of my pickle. I have put myself on trial and found myself guilty of the most heinous crime.....forgetting to live in the moment. I am not one of those girls who dreads getting older. I have an amazing husband and family with whom to turn gray and decrepit. My true fear in this life...is NOT LIVING IT. I don't want my children to forge anymore memories like "Hey mom, remember that time I started dancing to Boyz II Men and you recorded the whole thing and put it on Faceboook?" Instead I want to hear..."Hey mom, remember that time I started dancing to Boyz II Men and you danced with me?" That, my friends, is the entire point.

So as I strive to make my life less in a heart felt attempt to make it more...and still keep my inner voice relevant a la this blog...I invite you to try to do the same. Small...itsy bitsy baby steps...that's the way to start. What can you eliminate from your everyday life that is very slowly sucking the preciousness out of it? For me, its "Disliking" FB. The only people that need to know what I am doing every single second...and what part of town I am doing it in...are the people in my own home. Because at the end of the day...only five people truly matter...Jesse, Kate, Emmy Jean, Jax....and MOI:)

Strong4Life ads too much? I don't think so.

2012-02-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

Unless you live under a very large rock, you have no doubt heard of or have seen the ads. They are on billboards everywhere here in Georgia. My first reaction was heart break. However...it wasn't becasue an overweight child's face was plastered 100 feet up in the air large enough to be seen from space. It was because the child was fat to begin with and someone finally paid attention to the urgency of this issue. You see overweight kids all the time. The number is atonishing at the schools of my three children. I have heard some try to categorize the "fatness factor" into age groups based on how much physical activity these groups may be getting. Now, my children represent every school age. I have one in elementary, one in middle and one in high school. And I gotta tell ya...seeing this in real life is incredibly sad. I would have thought that as a child grows and matures, the baby fat would just kind of melt off. But no. Some of the fattest and unhealthy lot of them are in high school! Families are just not getting the message. You don't have to be an athlete to be healthy. You just have to do SOMETHING...that something can start with not buying and eating crap. And I'm sorry folks....but not every person on the face of the planet that is obese has a gland issue. Its mathematically impossible. YOU. ARE. EATING. TOO. MUCH. You are allowing your children to eat too much. Its tatamount to child abuse in my opinion. Granted...I don't think a parent should have social services step in and work their special brand of putrified magic. We all know how limp and useless they can be. But something MUST be done. That is why I am 100% in support of this campaign. What other option should we...as a concerned community...do about this epidemic of dollar menus and super sized sodas? How else can we combat the Twinkies, sugary cerals, Yoo-Hoo's and Moon Pies? Admittedly....I think in this generation of CGI and super cool effects...they could have "created" obese children. I am not a proponent of embarrassing our babies into making batter food choices. But I am absolutely a HUGE proponent of embarrassing the crap out their parents! How dare you bring a child into this world and allow their health to suffer so willingly. And if its not willingly....then you are even more of an asshat; because that means you are an absent parent who chooses to be blind to the plight of your child. And I have a problem with you. So poo-poo these ads and billboards all you wish. Perhaps the dialogue that has started can prevent just one of our nation's Little Debbies from actually turning into one.http://strong4life.com/

I am leaving Facebook....alert the media. And perhaps the Queen.

2012-01-31T07:18:00.000-08:00

Six words. We say six words all the time. "I can't believe I ate that."..."Stop it or I'll kill you."...Who's making dinner tonight, not me!"..."Feed the damn dog right now!" But the six words I uttered last week have caused a small brush fire.

"I HAVE DECIDED TO LEAVE FACEBOOK."

Who knew those six little, seemingly insignificant words, would cause such a ruckus? Not this red head, thats for sure. Guess how many private messages I recieved from concerned FB citizens? 34. 34 people inquired as to whether my marriage was falling apart. 34 people asked if we were moving...is Jesse (my impossibly sexy husband) demanding I delete my account...if I was making a global statement regarding the death spiral of the American dream or perhaps playing a big fat joke on everyone. Really? I'm leaving FB because it started to get on my ever-lovin nerves...not because I'm launching some clandestine investigation into the true whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa's body or because I finally discovered where in the world Carmen Sandiego REALLY is. Simply put, I no longer care for FB and how it keeps changing my dern profile.

The thing is, after seeing grown ups discuss partying on the weekend and the eleventy billion "likes" on a post-weekend-headache thread...I'm done. I'm done deleting inappropriate posts from friends and family because one of my daughters might see them. I do good to catch the dog before she throw up/burps water on my kitchen floor. Catching AND deleting a comment about something we did 20 years ago in college...I no longer have the patience for. I'm defrosting chicken. I'm walking by Mt. Laundry and ignoring it. I'm griping about acne. (And let me just say...I have paid my dues. An almost 38 year old should NOT have to deal with pimples.) I'm watching Cars for 427th time just because my son asked me to. I'm cussing the neighborhood kids out because...well...because they're being kids. I'm fixing my hair and putting on lip stick at 7pm so when my husband walks through the door he sees sexy me. And not the me thats been in a coffee stained sweat shirt all day. I AM A BUSY WOMAN! Keeping up with the comings and goings on with FB and chasing down comments is no longer on my life's radar.

So to sum up...no. No I am not going into the witness protection program. No. A marriage counselor was not consulted. No. I am not pregnant and trying to hide it. I still have tons to say about my crazy life. A life that consists of a globe trotting husband nicknamed The Spy because everyone thinks he secretly works for the CIA...three kids 15, 13 and 9...a dog that pukes if she drinks too much (insert funny ha ha here)...a career that involves the music industry, vocal coaching and writing books that get turned down by publishers that smell like cabbage...a life that could easily be a tv show. Nothing ordinary ever happens in our family.

So FB can suck it. I shall drink my Prozac milkshake and be safe in the knowledge that the only inappropriate comments I'll be deleting..are my own.